An Incomplete Guide to Understanding the Rose Petal Infestation Associated With EverTyphoid Patients in the Tropicool IcyLand Urban Indian Slum
By Kuzhali Manickavel
Frequently misdiagnosed as a rash, the Rose Petal Infestation is in fact a collection of partially decayed cabbage rose petals which appear just beneath the epidermis, mainly on the hands, when EverTyphoid hits the three-year mark. The infestation itself is harmless but marks a significant turning point in the progress of EverTyphoid. While research is ongoing, studies have shown that the three-year period marks the ‘point of no return’, with the onset of the infestation being generally viewed as a sign that EverTyphoid has set comfortably and deeply among the tissues and major organs.
The Three Waves
Prior to the appearance of the actual rash, Typhodic Despondency will affect the patient in three distinct waves. Each wave has a set of symptoms which last exactly 92 hours and 6 minutes. This precise timing often causes the symptoms to begin and end very abruptly, often in mid-wave.
The Primary Wave
During the first wave, the patient will compose poetry which they will describe as haikus, although they clearly are not. Do not tell the patient they are not haikus (See Case Studies on Violence Resulting from EverTyphoid “Haiku”-Denying, p. 792044). These haikus are generally scrawled on the inside of the arm with ballpoint pen although the patient will insist they have been written in trickles of molten glass or via a natural splitting of the skin. Do not tell the patient that the poems are actually written in ballpoint pen (See Case Studies on Violence Resulting from EverTyphoid “Haiku”-Denying, p. 792049). Below are some examples of typical “haiku” written during the Primary Wave.
Typhoid does not last
for three fucking years
no it doesn’t, it fucking does not
I wish that I could
and get this over with
The Secondary Wave
This wave is characterized by a strong need to relocate. Patients start to pack suitcases, travel bags and inquire about bus and train timings. They will make lists and buy travel sachets of soap, toothpaste and coconut oil. They will also inform friends and family that they are “leaving”, though they will be unable to specify when exactly they will be leaving or where they plan to go.
Patients have also been known to try and leave by jumping onto the backs of killer whales who are in the process of hurling themselves into the sky. This has caused the affected killer whales to develop a sense of panic about hurling themselves into the sky (See I Believe I Can’t Fly- One Killer Whale’s Account of Being WhaleJacked by an EverTyphoid Patient, p.120543)
The Tertiary Wave
This final wave is marked by attempts to commit suicide. It is generally believed that these suicidal tendencies are triggered by feelings that the patient will have typhoid forever, which they will, and that death is the only option available to them, which is illegal for EverTyphoid patients to believe (See Nuh-uh You Can’t- Understanding the Legal Limitations and Implications Of EverTyphoid, p. 44079). As it is traditionally believed that life-threatening typhoid relapses occur due to excessive consumption of protein or from exposure to rain, patients have often been found standing barefoot in thunderstorms, consuming vast quantities of hot dog wieners or keemaparotta. While death has never been known to occur, thorns may appear on the soles of the patient’s feet. Some patients may feel a root-like thickening in their veins, particularly on the back of the knees (See The Ebeneezer EntWash Syndrome, p.975). Below is an account from a patient who had the Ebeneezer EntWash Syndrome spread to his neck and armpits.
Patient 1 ‘Chettiar Iyah’, Rtd Headmaster of The Tropicool Icy-Land Ambedkar Primary School, EverTyphoid 4th year
In my past thirty-five years of service, not once have I taken leave. When I was having this malaria viral fever all type of thing, nothing. I have never taken leave. Everyone will be so they will be shocked. Surprised. They will be surprised. Why this man is like this, with so much dedication for his duty. They will say, why sir for you? Take rest. Stay at home. Health is wealth. But I will never take leave. I will take only hot water, some kanji with lime pickle, no milk I will take at that time. Even as a youth, I will never take coffee. Also all these western vegetables I will not take. Cabbage, beans, carrot, potato I choose to avoid. Because our South Indian foods like podalanga, kothavaranga, vahzathandu, these are all healthful foods, adapted for our culture. So only I was able, even with this malaria typhoid all sorts of thing, even then I was able to attend the classes. Sometimes, when my fellow teachers would take leave, they may feel shame to ask me. They may feel, oh here is this man, who came to the office even when his wife was lying in hospital. How can I ask for this leave? Sometimes they may feel shame to ask me because I never have taken leave in all my thirty-five years of service. Not one day.
Onset of the Rose Petal Infestation
The infestation will appear abruptly but spread in a slow and fluid fashion. It generally begins on the outer palm, right above the wrist. The palm appears to be where the infestation is generally heaviest, with the cabbage rose petals often blossoming in the pattern of road maps of Southern Texas from the 1930s. The infestation can be identified via three significant stages-
The patient will adamantly deny that such an infestation is possible. In some cases, they will even deny that they have typhoid though they may be willing to admit they had it around four years ago. When confronted with the actual infestation on their hands, they will insist that it is wheezing or diarrhea.
During this stage, patients will attempt to resume their normal life but will be hampered by various ‘loops’ which are another side effect of EverTyphoid (please see EverTyphoid and the Space-Time Continuum- Why You Can’t Stop Brushing Your Teeth, p.56).
At this stage, the patient will appear to be in denial but will in fact be aware of the infestation. This awareness will be coupled with a rabid desperation to get rid of the infestation at all costs, as it is often seen as something dangerous and unnatural. They will try to get rid of it by making cuts which they may then douse with mild bleaching fluids in a bid to ‘burn the infestation out’. Once this is done, the patient may experience some mild feelings of euphoria and well-being. During this time, they may be tempted to make life-changing decisions such as marriage, buying a new home or having a child. This again will be hampered by the ‘loops’ so while the patient may chart menstrual cycles, make STD calls or book railway tickets, they will never be able to move beyond these stages and accomplish anything (See EverTyphoid and the Space-Time Continuum- Why You Can’t Stop Brushing Your Teeth, p.86).
After burning themselves five to seven times, the patient will learn to accept the infestation. This will start with initial feelings of despondency and self-pity. The patient will then start exhibiting an interest in the infestation by studying it on a daily basis and pressing down on it to hear the telltale rustling noise. They will then start showing the infestation to others and comparing it with those who suffer from the same condition (See A Sense Of Togetherness for the Betterness- Living with The Rose Petal Infestation, p. 8375)
Removal of Rose Petals
Contrary to popular belief, these petals can indeed be removed manually for aesthetic reasons, although the infestation will set in again. For manual removal, the area must first be cleaned with fermented coconut water. A small incision should then be made beside the infestation. The petals can be removed by gently pressing the surrounding flesh so the petals can burgeon upwards and fall gently on the surrounding skin. However, the incision should not be left open as the infestation is known to attract moths, which may use the area to make a nest. The infestation is harmless though recurring and its only known side-effect is a rustling noise that is heard when pressure is applied on the infested area.
Other Symptoms Associated with EverTyphoid
The Assumption That You Can Bend and Break Light
Even if the patient will not admit to having this symptom, there are a number of tell-tale signs which are a clear indication of this assumption.
a) The tendency to keep both hands in a claw-like position, hovering near their pockets. This is because the patient will believe they can bend, break and quickly transfer said light shards into their pockets before they dissolve.
b) The patient will develop an interest in collecting glass bottles, where they believe the bent and broken light can be stored. In some cases, the patient may add colored glass or water to the bottles in order to add to the aesthetic beauty of the alleged collected light shards.
c) The patient will also cultivate a firm belief that they can curl light from one room to another. This is often reflected in their insistence that you don’t turn on a light in an adjacent room because they can ‘do it for you’.
The assumption that one can bend light is generally a harmless symptom. In some cases where the belief is more aggressive, it could result in potentially dangerous scenarios i.e., attempting to throw the sun off a cliff to make it go down faster. In these cases, extra caution and vigilance must be exercised. This symptom can also be exploited to constrain restless patients in a painless and harmless way. This is easily achieved by keeping them in a well-lit room filled with empty glass jars.
By far the most troublesome and sometimes dangerous symptom, the red lice appear once the hair fall associated with first-cycle mainstream typhoid is complete. Aggressive and persistent, the actual degree of severity varies from patient to patient. Some experience mild itching while more severe cases have included blisters and craters which tend to form along the side of the head and at the nape of the neck. These are often painful and susceptible to infections.
The lice never leave the host body though they are known to migrate to the armpit and groin regions. The color of the lice varies; some are a bright cherry red while others have been a dull rust-brown and even a yellowish-orange. They are known to move very quickly, albeit in circles. When startled, they tend to circulate themselves into the ear, which for some reason, proves to be fatal for the lice (regular ear checkups and cleanings to remove red lice carcasses are imperative).
It is not advisable to remove these lice manually, as they have been known to slip under the fingernails. When they are trapped underneath the nail, they tend to engorge themselves until they explode (for further reading, please see Red Lice Removal, p. 2 and The Disease and Art Series- Frozen in Time- Impressions and Explorations of Lice Nail Art and Motif, p. 83000287). The application of coconut oil, kerosene and DDT only cause the lice to migrate to other parts of the body where they stay until the offending substance has been washed away. The only effective way to deal with this lice infestation is
a) treatment of superficial blisters, rashes or craters
b) numbing the skin to dull or eliminate any feelings of itchiness or pain. This can be done through the application of different lotions or by ingesting tranquilizers on a daily basis.
Broken Hand Syndrome
Often misdiagnosed as the Assumption That You Can Bend and Break Light, this symptom manifests a number of false signs that the hand is broken when in fact it is not. The hand will appear swollen, the skin will be discolored in parts and the nails may become black or dark purple. Though this will not cause the patient any pain, the affected hand will cease to have any feeling and become deadweight. It will have a tendency to drag and in many instances, the patient will forget it is there leading to accidents, the most common being hands getting caught in doors.