Consume! The Products You’ll Need in Donald Trump’s America
By Nick Mamatas
Love him or hate him, Donald Trump’s presidency promises enormous change. Even before taking office, the president-elect’s tweets regarding various aerospace contractors and international auto manufacturers have hammered stock prices of the named companies, and set the capitalist class scrambling. In such a volatile economic environment, some classic products might soon be harder to find. This brief shopping guide to the stuff you’ll definitely want to stock up on will not only help you navigate the next four (or maybe eight!) years of Trumpmerica as an eager American consumer, but may actually even give you something to do with your evenings. These four items are essential for the new American lifestyle of personal freedom and sound economic policy. So remember—you don’t need to tell anyone your business, and you should always pay in cash.
Dr. Pepper with Imperial Pure Cane Sugar
You’re surely familiar with the sugary soda called Dr. Pepper, which is widely available in aluminum cans and plastic bottles. What you may not know is that there is an artisanal version of the same drink, bottled out of Texas, and available via mail order. Formerly produced in Dublin, Texas (and still often called Dublin Dr. Pepper by people who don’t follow soda-based lawsuit news), small batches of Dr. Pepper, made with cane sugar rather than high-fructose corn syrup, and shipped in eight ounce glass bottles, are now being produced by the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group. The taste is amazing, and the small glass bottles have great “hand feel”. You’ll definitely want to wash them out and keep them around for other projects after drinking your fill and getting all hotted up on the sweet stuff.
Buy ‘em by the case! You can never have enough rags, especially as climate change leads to increased flooding, and trade wars make clothing more expensive (you’ll have to wear your Mexican Jewish Literary Review t-shirts from Zazzle.com for that much longer). The world of bulk rag-buying is strange and wonderful. You can buy pop-up boxes, quarter-folds or flats in white or natural, cloth-like crepes in blue, and spunlace grade 50 and grade 80 in rolls, just like paper toweling. Just get a lot of rags. Be careful though, as some rag types are more flammable than others, and the last thing you need is a flaming rag, right?
Seventh Generation Natural Dish Liquid
Let’s face it; under the Trump regime, you may not be eating out a lot anymore. Trump Steaks is no longer available by either mail order or at The Sharper Image (where people often buy groceries?), and the Trump Grill in Manhattan’s Trump Tower is widely understood to serve under par food at high prices to the silliest tourists in Manhattan. And if you can’t eat Trump, why eat out at all? If you’re staying home, you’ll need to keep your plates and flatware very clean.
Seventh Generation Natural Dish Liquid is the best dishwashing liquid of the many on the market today. It has immense cleaning power, isn’t tested on animals, is relatively inexpensive despite its roots in radical-hipster precincts of “Bernie would have won!” Vermont, and is available unscented for those who don’t want extra, unpredictable, chemicals in their lives. When mixing household chemicals together, you definitely want to understand exactly what you’re doing. Stock up on Seventh Generation Natural Dish Liquid today!
Don’t look down on poor, neglected kerosene. This petroleum derivative has a bad reputation thanks to a handful of nineteenth-century disasters when it was widely used for lighting and heating and killing people accidentally. Kerosene heaters are still common enough, but as demand for the fuel as compared to other petroleum products is low and stable, there is plenty to be had on the open market. Kerosene can be a volatile hydrocarbon—liquid rocket propellant is basically kerosene and liquid oxygen—but it is very safe to handle. Indeed, these days, someone has to do something positively heroic to start a major kerosene fire. It’ll really only start burning when you want it to. In the years ahead, as continuing controversies over fracking may cause spikes in natural gas prices and all sorts of civil unrest, you’ll want several fifty-five gallon drums of kerosene ready to go.
Finally, if you’re keen to see the influence Trump will have over these United States during his administration, you’ll probably want to travel to Washington D.C., or Manhattan, where the President-elect has said he’ll be staying several nights a week. There’s no need to spend a mint on a GPS system, or a fancy and easily traceable smartphone to map out your destination. Just get up early one morning, pick a direction at random, and hit the road. The secret is a successful jaunt is not to shop en route; just pack wisely to begin with. Start your road trip the right way by bringing these products with you—you can store small amounts of your dishwashing liquid and kerosene in the eight-ounce glass bottles, and as the bottle screw-tops are single use only, reduce spillage and mess by stuffing one of your rags down each of the bottlenecks. You’ll see that in Trump’s America, every day will be like the Fourth of July, and you’ll be ready to party!
 By which we mean “full of explosions.”